Letter to Santa
by VisualIDentificationZeta
Summary: HarmJen SUMMARY: a man, who doesn't believe, writes a letter to the one in whom he doesn't believe. What happens when the wrong, yet the right, person gets their hands on the letter?
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: Letter to Santa

AUTHOR: Vid Z.

PAIRING: Harm/Jen

TIMELINE: takes place before 4 percent solution, so Harm and Mac are still not friends again

WARNINGS: major dose of pre-christmas fluff, sugar overdose warning

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show JAG are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: this is something that's been bugging me for a while, but was too lazy to write. Wanted to have it finished by yesterday, but life got in the way. So here it is now. Enjoy and don't forget to review!

SUMMARY: a man, who doesn't believe, writes a letter to the one in whom he doesn't believe. What happens when the wrong, yet the right, person gets their hands on the letter?

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2256 ZULU

A FEW DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS

HARM'S APARTMENT

NORTH OF UNION STATION

Harm was staring at the blank paper before him, a pen in his hand.

'Why the hell am I doing this anyway?' he asked himself, but the answer quickly came to mind.

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_"Come on, Uncle Harm, if you send a list to Santa, he will give you what you want if you'd been a good boy." his godson's blue eyes stared up at him and Harm knew that he could not say no to him._

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This is why he was here now, staring at the paper without even a clue of how to start, much less what to write.

What to write in a letter to Santa?

It'd been such a long time since he wrote such a letter, almost 30 years.

For the first few years after that fateful Christmas Eve his letters to Santa conveyed one wish only, a longing for only one gift... for his father's return.

After a few years of constant disappointments he'd stopped believing in higher beings and gave up. A few years later he'd decided that there was no God, because otherwise his father, and so many other fathers and sons and brothers on every side, wouldn't have fallen in that and other meaningless, stupid wars. That's why he'd decided that his father's return depended solely on him. The next year he went to Vietnam and the rest is history.

Yet, these memories just gave him an idea...

He started writing.

_Dear Santa,_

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15 minutes later he was done with his letter and he folded the paper carefully.

He needed to hide it somewhere, because were someone to ever find it, bad things could happen.

He could look like an idiot, for one thing.

Just that second the tea kettle started whistling and Harm made his way towards the stove.

He turned off the fire, opened the cabinet above it, absetmindedly put the paper in his hand there, to free up a hand and reached for a mug.

He closed the cabinet and carefully poured himself the hot water into the mug, adding tea leaves.

He exhaled in contentment at the wonderful smell and carried the hot mug over to the coffee table.

By this time he had completely forgotten about his letter to Santa.

Once he was lounging on his couch he retrieved the book he was currently reading, Smoke Bellew by Jack London, and submerged into the harsh, primal and wonderful world of Yukon. Even though he had read it over a few times already, the book still held magic for him. It spoke of a life like his, full of hardships, triumphs, defeats. With one big exception.

Smoke got the girl in the end.

And Harm was yet to get he girl.

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AT LEAST 3 REVIEWS OR I'M NOT UPDATING.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: this next part is Harm's introspection about several very important issues. In no way was this meant as Mac-bashing, because the issues discussed are the issues that every man, who would want a relationship with a woman who has a well-recorded history in such behaviour, would ask himself. Only canon events are discussed. If you don't like Mac's bad side and her black canon history discussed, do not read any further.

I hate extortion, but this is the only way for me to know if you guys read it and if you want more. Otherwise I can just stop posting.

I also want reviews because I want to know what readers think of what I write. It's not some need for confirmation or some self-esteem problem, it's simple curiosity, along with wanting to know who reads my work. Which is why, anonymous reviewer "Me", I do this.

Oh, yeah, this fic will be just a few chapters long.

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His thoughts turned to Jack himself. The man had lived a turbulent life. A self-learned philosophist, one of the best writers of his time, mis-spent youth, an adventurer and, lastly, a happy man during his last 11 years in this world. Jack London had met the love of his life, married her and lived the rest of his life with her in happiness. The only thing that seriously marred the image of the man was the way he'd abandoned his first family, his first wife and their two daughters.

Many would think that Harm had almost experienced the same fate... marrying the woman who was more a friend than a beloved to him. They would've been wrong. Harm had loved Mac, until she had destroyed his heart in Paraguay and all those times after that when he'd tried to rebuild their friendship from it's ashes, to make it rise as a phoenix, shooting him down every time, many times thrown her new relationship with Webb in his face. Even after that he still had feelings for her, but he knew that any relationship they would've tried would end up in a disaster.

This forced Harm to move on, he was an intelligent man and he knew when the battle was lost for good. And this one battle was definitely lost.

By the time little AJ's 5th birthday had rolled around they were not even friends anymore, just co-workers, acquaintances. Though the fire and love had been extinguished by this time, he had still offered to make good on his part of their deal. As he had expected, she declined. He was relieved by her choice, but even though he had moved on from Mac and knew that their relationship was not one to bring an innocent child into, the loss of a dream still hurt. Yet, he had to be honest with himself.

What kind of a life would they punish their child with? Parents, who did not love each other, a mother who barely tolerated the father on a good day, making snide remarks and hurting him on many occasions, he sometimes (though extremely rare the last few years) back, a father who continued exposing himself to being hurt, a life with the parents clearly being less than friends much less in love, parents who are also extremely different from each other in their personalities. And, in the darkest hours when he wallowed in the worst case scenarios, he wondered if Mac would've been even able being faithful to him. He had doubts.

Even his subconscious didn't believe in her staying faithful to him, manifesting this, obviously, deep-rooted belief in the daydream he had during Jen's wet-down. For Mac had not been faithful to her first husband. He would've at least understood, but not approve because he could never approve cheating, had she been in love with the man she had cheated on her husband with. Yet Mac clearly wasn't in love. Neither was she in love with Lowne. Having known her for a few years by then he was able to read her and knew that with certainty. Harm had also never seen any hesitation in her relationship with the lawyer, which meant it was an already established practice for her, something she had obviously done many times during her marriage, making him wonder how many relationships had she had had since Farrow before she had killed her husband, and her lies made even his death look pretty suspect. She had lied about a lot of things to Harm, about a lot of very important things, about her whole life, who was to say that what her story of what had happened was the truth, how was he to believe anything she said anymore? How many times, with how many different men had she cheated on her husband with? Her infidelity was a great black mark in Harm's eyes, because Harm valued few things more than being true to your own word, keeping your vow, being faitful and true to the one you pledged your life to. He despised cheaters and, even though she was his friend and he was in love with her, he couldn't stop himself from despising this part of Mac.

He also knew that cheaters are pathological, except if they are truly in love with their secret lover. A cheater that has cheated before will undoubtebly cheat again. It's like a disease and there's no cure for it. Even his subconscious obviously doubted in Mac's ability to be faithful to a man. When they were celebrating Jen's promotion he had visions of what his life could've been had he confessed his love for Mac in Sydney. And he was forced to admit to himself that the events that had really happened were easier on him than that alternate reality. Thoughts of Mac sharing her body with another man, after she had given herself to him, promised herself to him for life and formally declared before their friends and family that only he had the right to it, made him sick. Thoughts of making love to her, only hours, perhaps even less than an hour, after another man had been inside her, deposited his semen inside her, were repulsive and they made him ill and angry at the same time. It was better not ever having her, even with knowing she was giving her body to Bugme; than having pledged his love to her, hearing her do the same to him, believing she was faitful to him, loving him, while in reality she was having sex with another man, perhaps even in her and Harm's marriage bed. To make matters worse, she didn't even love that other man.

Had she ever known what love is, how to truly love someone?

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She certainly never had any role-model and none of her relationships was healthy or equal or mature. Not even their friendship was healthy some times.

What puzzled Harm was that, even though she had always been so confrontational and competitive in their relationship, always wanting to be the dominant one, proving his theory when she outloud admitted to wanting to always be on top when she'd shred his heart to pieces in Paraguay; she had always let herself be suppressed in her other relationships.

She had always willingly taken on the submissive role in her other relationships, always with men who were either controlling personalities or were authority figures, higher ranking officers. Harm was not blind, he had noticed several times the lust in her eyes when she'd looked at their former CO, like when she came out of the kitchen just before Coster kidnapped her. One of her ex-lovers was also her CO, the one who had recommended her for Law School after she had given her body to him. Was there something more to her tendency of always choosing controlling, possessive men to be her lovers? Could she really have the Electra Complex? From what Harm knew of Sgt Joe Mackenzie, her father, he was a controlling man, who ruled his family with an iron fist, even before he'd started beating his own wife. He had a strong authority, and was an authority figure as a father and as a military man. Mac had always been attracted to such men. Dalton, even though it didn't look like it, was also an authority figure. A partner in a successful law firm, a famous lawyer, who had huge heaps of money, an expensive car and had presented Mac with expensive gifts. Mac was seduced by the money, the Porsche and the expensive gifts and then anchored firmly to his side by his possessive and controlling personality. Until he had done something that would've landed any other servicemember in jail, Harm also, yet, once again, left Mac's career completely unscathed.

Yet, even after 7 years of partnership, she still hadn't known Harm enough to know that he was never interested in relationships that were constant power struggles. He was interested only in relationships in which the partners were just that, partners. Two equal partners, working together, neither being on top or bottom, making decisions together as a team. The mere thought of having a power-struggle relationship was repulsive to him. She hadn't even known that about him. Had she ever known him at all?

Harm was sad to acknowledge that the answer was negative.

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AN: This may look like a pile of Mac-bashing manure, but it's not meant that way.

Every man who is interested in a long-term relationship with a woman, who has a proven and well-recorded history in adultery and repeated mistakes of entering the exact same type of unhealthy relationships every time, would ask himself these questions.

No matter how much in love with the woman, he would be forced to ask himself, whether she would be even able to stay faithful to him, or would he just set himself up for a world of emotional hurt by getting involved with her and trusting her.

I know Harm helped Mac after he'd found out about her hubby, but I honestly don't believe that not even a doubt had entered his mind. Every person, who discovers that their best friends has been lying to them for years about such important things, would ask themself, at one point or another, what else did their friend lie to them about, how many times did they lie, is anything they say even true,... Betrayal of such magnitude would undoubtebly lead to immensely shaken trust in that person and it was, once again, a case when the show became completely unrealistic, like Mac's constant career boosts after she'd done things that would permanently destroy careers of every other member of the military. And send to jail for a long time even civilians, much less a lawyer, an officer of the court. Yes, I'm talking about the perjury. No-one, found out to be lying in court, would get away that easily. An officer of the court would be punished even more for their crime than an ordinary civilian, (who would go to jail without a doubt), much less a servicemember; because the officer of the court is the one who should be the good example and knows exactly what happens if you lie and how bad it is to lie.

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A question, if anyone knows the answer: I've read a fic in which the author claimed that Mac had taken Chris' last name, Ragle, after she'd married him, never changed it legally back to Mackenzie, yet still joined the Corps under Mackenzie.

Is that canon or just something that was made up? 


	3. Chapter 3

**Rose:** actually, I'm not asking for that kind of reviews. I'm asking for the kind of reviews that tell me if I did something wrong, like a mistake in continuancy or canon or a Grammar error. I'm doing my own beta-reading and I'm bound to let an error escape my eye and therefore I rely on the review system for readers to alert me to such errors. It had worked well in the past and I hope readers will continue alerting me in the future. Such reviews make me a better writer and help me get a better grip on the English language. I also love reviews that discuss particular parts of the fic, why the reviewer did or did not like it, what they suggest could've happened,... I've had several inspirations for new fics or chapters from such reviews. It also let's me know who is reading (I'm a curious person) and I find out about readers I didn't know before. Don't worry, I'm writing another new fic already and have a couple of WIPs that I should really finish some day, so you'll definitely see more from me in the next couple of months, College permitting.

**Steph:** Mac's been an integral part of Harm's life for a lot of years so that almost every facet of his life would remember him of her, he's been hung up on her for much of that time. Relationships with other women had failed because of that love and with Season 7 he had completely given up on finding happiness with other women because of his love for Mac. Thus any decision of his to move on with his life would immediately make him think of Mac and their relationship and the chance of any potential relationship of theirs to work in the long run. As for Mac's past issues... any man interested in a relationship with a woman, who has a well recorded history in infidelity, would ask himself these questions. In my personal opinion trust is as, if not more, important for a relationship to work as love. Harm had asked himself this particular question even in canon in the ep "What if" when he believed that Mac would eventually betray him had they gotten married. Just one thing, could you please clarify your sentence, so I would know if I understood it correctly: what did you mean by: "but you don't write the story of what you think should have happend"? Did you mean to suggest a fic in which Mac cheats on Harm and how he deals with it? It's a very good suggestion.

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Thank you all for these great constructive reviews and I hope you enjoy this new part, though short as it is. Again, I have the fic written in one file and am making parts as I go along according to scenes.

Take care!

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He was broken out of his melancholy thoughts by the sudden urge to visit the little pilots' room.

He sighed, marked the page he was currently reading and rose to his feet.

He heard another rolling of his intestines and deeply regretted eating that yoghurt that was starting to smell funny.

The door to the bathroom closed just as the apartment door opened.

A brown head popped inside and chocolate-brown eyes searched the apartment for it's owner.

A soft voice, colored by the warmth of the speaker's care for the owner, called out. "Harm?"

After months of intense work on it, Harm had finally managed to break Jen out of calling him 'Sir' while they were both off-duty. It mostly involved ignoring her when she called him 'Sir' and responding only to 'Harm'. Simple, but effective. Though she still tended to revert to her old ways when under stress.

Again she called for him, but Harm didn't hear her in the bathroom.

She carefully stepped inside the apartment, deciding whether or not to proceed with her intent.

She knew how Harm enjoyed drinking tea and had just received a new blend from one of her old shipmates on USS Gainesville which they'd gotten during their shore leave somewhere in Asia.

Her innitial intent was to invite him for a cup of the new brew to her apartment, but seeing that he was not there, her plans had changed.

She debated over it for a while, but then decided to just take one of his tea cups with her and bring him the tea in it, leaving it for him to drink when he'd return.

As she was crossing the apartment over to the cabinet, where she knew he stored the tea mugs, a sound caught her attention, giving away just where the ellusive Commander was hiding.

She tried to block out the sound and the imagery that came with it and opened the cabinet, intent on taking a mug.

What she found there, instead, puzzled her.

A piece of folded paper, with something written on it.

She pulled it out and unfolded it, believing it was a recipe.

What it read was definitely not what she had expected.

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_Dear Santa,_

_I am writing this letter to you because I was roped into it by my godson._

_I will be upfront and admit that I don't believe in you, otherwise I would be fully in the right to claim that I am your biggest and oldest fan._

_Since you never gave me what I asked you for, returning my father to me and my family, I had given up on believing in your existence long ago. _

_But, at the request of my 5 year old godson, I am giving you another chance. Don't make me come look for you._

_Anyway, these are my wishes for this Christmas (unrealistic as they are):_

_- no more wars_

_- for all people to become smart_

_- that both of my professions would no longer be required_

_- everything they'd ever wanted for all my friends (unless it's something that would intentionally hurt someone else or interfere with someone else's wish)_

_- have all Jen's wishes and dreams come true, she deserves it more than anyone I know_

_- the same for Mattie_

_- a new carboureator for the Vette_

_- a new book on Roman Law_

_- and most importantly: Jen as my life partner, my wife and the mother of my children, I want no-one else_

_But if my wishes clash with Jen's road to happiness, please disregard my own and make hers comes true._

_Harmon Rabb Jr._

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Tears were streaming down Jen's face as she read the letter. They'd started when she came upon the line with his reason for why he'd stopped believing. A little boy's disappointment and pain had shaped him into the great man he was, the great man she loved with her whole being. The tears began falling harder when she'd read what he wished for her and, by the time she came to his last wish, she was almost bawling from sheer raw emotions these honest desires, of the man she cared so much for, brought out in her.

She had never considered the possibility that he would feel for her what she felt for him and the knowledge that, yes, he did love her back, overwhelmed her.

Not only that, he did not just love her, he also wanted the forever with her. He wanted to whole, long haul, commitment deal. The rings, the marriage, the children, the 3 o'clock feedings,...

And he wanted all this with her, Petty Officer 1st Class Jennifer Coates, the man who could've had any woman he wanted, wanted her.

With tears still streaming down her face, Jen looked down and gently stroked her belly, where she could already imagine their babies growing, making her belly grow bigger.

The hand in her daydream was adorned with two rings, an engagement ring and a wedding ring and it was joined by another hand, larger and darker, a hand that she instantly recognized. And in her daydream she and her beloved husband Harm lovingly caressed her belly where their progeny was slowly getting ready to join them in this world. She saw them holding their daughter only hours after she'd given birth to her and she saw them in each other's arms, making love, as they created a baby brother for their daughter. And she saw them live out the rest of their life in love and happiness, together forever, till death does them part, surrounded by the family that they had created.

And at that moment Jennifer Coates knew that she would do whatever it took to make this dream come true.

She was finally at that point in her life where she was ready for more, where a job was just a job not the sole purpose in life, be all and end all on which's altar everything else would have to be sacrificed; and family and the eternal, unconditional love she knew she would have with Harm, was worth so much more. Was worth everything and anything.

She would fight for their family and she would prevail.

Harm didn't know what was about to hit him.

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	4. Chapter 4

**Steph:** there actually is a fic like that already written. Forgot the title, but the author is called Maximus. Even though I'm not a fan of his work (I don't agree with his character portrayals in his fics and for other reasons) that was a pretty well written fic. In it Cheggwidden tasks Harm and Bud with investigating Mac's case of perjury, instead of her just verbally reprimanded and then being rewarded after a couple of months. It basically ends with how it would've happened in real life (how should've on the show had they strived for realism): Mac demoted to Private, her law bar taken from her and sent to Leavenworth (or just dishonorably discharged, I can't remember exactly). Anyway, it happens as it would in real life. Unfortunately I don't know where to find this fic, because it was taken off a site (the board is run by Mac fans), but you can probably get it from him over email: maximus11 mindspring. com (without the spaces). It was a pretty convincing law-wise and it shows that the author had served in the military and knows procedures and everything.

**jeff:** that's the exactly the point I was trying to make! You hit the nail on the head!

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FLUFF ALERT! You can go into sugar shock from this chapter, read at your own risk!

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"Jen?" she suddenly heard Harm's voice behind her, the waver in it giving away that he knew what she's been reading.

She put the paper down and slowly turned to him.

Her breath hitched from the emotions rolling over her and she smiled a watery smile at him, her eyes full of the love she felt for him, and only him. Harm's face was a picture of trepidation and dread, not knowing what to expect, but preparing himself for the worst case scenario.

Jen's smile failed to reassure him and, when she started speaking, he winced as if preparing for a blow, yet when he heard the words the trepidation and dread swiftly turned into disbelief.

"Santa has just been here and left you your gift. I know I'm not wrapped in a bow, much less a gift paper, but we can do that later and then you can unwrap me. But even though I'm not gift-wrapped, I'm still yours."

Harm's eyes widened in shock and he croaked a baffled. "Jen?"

She started moving, stalking slowly towards him.

"I read your letter. You wish for me. Here I am and I'm all yours. I want you as my partner for life, I want you as my husband and I want you as the father of my children, and only you. I love you and, yes, I'll marry you."

With that she wrapped her arms around him, pressed her body tightly against his, went on her tip-toes and kissed him passionately. After a moment's surprise he wrapped his own arms around her and sank fully into the kiss.

When the need to breathe became stronger than the need to share their love, they slowly pulled apart.

Jen gazed into his eyes with a look of such utter love and tenderness that he almost cried.

Then she took his hand in hers and slowly moved it to her belly, positioning it there.

He looked questioningly at her.

"As soon as my enlistment is up this January and as soon as we can manage it, there will be a little Rabb growing in here. But I want to do it right, by the time the little Rabb is conceived, I want to be a Rabb myself by then. Any objections?"

"No." Harm said, tears of overwhelming emotions in his eyes. "Not a one. It's exactly what I want, apart from you giving up your career. Are you sure you want to do it? I don't ever want you to regret anything about us. It would kill me if you later on regretted anything about our relationship."

Wide, sincere and impossibly deep, chocolate eyes stared lovingly into his. "Yes, I'm completely sure."

Suddenly Harm's eyes widened and a grin split his face. "You don't have to, you know?"

Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "What do you mean?"

"You don't have to resign, nor do I."

"Why not?"

"Considering that we're engaged, right?" Jen nodded in affirmation. "And we plan to get married as soon as possible and plan on trying to have kids as soon as possible. And I still remember when you and Mattie were talking about it that you don't want a big wedding..."

"What are you saying?" asked Jen and Harm just grinned wider.

"I'm saying that there are provisions for married officer/enlisted couples in the regs that allow them to work together, providing that they act according to protocol while on duty and that their relationship does not affect morale, discipline, unit cohesion, good order, discredit the armed forces or operates to the personal disgrace or dishonor of the officer involved. UCMJ specifically states that 'the fact that an officer is married to an enlisted member is not, by itself, evidence of misconduct. Regardless of how the officer-enlisted marriage came to be, married members are expected to respect all customs and courtesies observed by members of different grades when they are on duty, in uniform in public, or at official social functions.' And that 'It is the impact or reasonably foreseeable consequences of the conduct on morale, discipline, good order, unit cohesion and mission accomplishment that determines its seriousness, not it's characterization. No fact, standing alone, necessarily warrants referral of charges to a court-martial.' Which comes down to the fact that, as long as we keep our relationship out of the office and it does not interfere with our performance and duties, nobody can do anything about it. Even though I am of a higher rank and an officer, I am not your CO nor your supervisor in any way. You are in a completely different chain of command, completely separate, because you are the General's Yeoman and only he is your supervisor." Harm looked at her in happiness and triumph that he thought of this and Jen hated to be the one to ruin his joy.

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	5. Chapter 5

**Jeff:** yes, UCMJ does allow married/enlisted couples, BUT there must be NO hint of fraternization before their marriage or they were married before one of them joined up. And they have to behave according to protocol while on duty or at social gatherings. Other branches, especially the Air Force, are pretty lax when it comes to frat regs, but the Navy and the Marines are the most stuck up about it. The parts in the apostrophes are directly copied from AFI36-2909, Air Force's frat regs, cause I don't have a copy of the UCMJ. And there is no reason why the AF would have different frat regs than the UCMJ...

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She just shook her head. "Still no dice, Harm."

"What?" he asked surprised "Why not? Do you actually want to resign?"

"Harm, as long as I'm just an enlisted, no matter that I am the General's Yeoman, I can still be subject to a transfer to a warzone or transferred somewhere else every 2 years. I want to have a family with you, I want to settle down with you, and that means that I also want and need a settled life, with as little moving as possible, and we can't have that if I get transferred every couple of years, which would also rule out you resigning for us to be together. And, once we have children," Harm's eyes started glistening from happiness at her use of plural "I don't want to risk anything, that would take me away from you forever, happening. And until our administration sees some sense and stops starting wars with everyone, I could still be sent to a warzone to die. It almost happened the last time."

Harm immediately grew worried. "What do you mean?"

"Just minutes before LCDR Roberts stepped on the mine, I almost stepped on one also. I looked down and saw the trigger of a Bouncing Betty just milimeters from my boot. Just a few milimeters to the right and I wouldn't be here now." she shuddered at the memory.

Harm stiffened at the revelation and grabbed her into an embrace, pulling her impossibly close to reaffirm himself that she was still alive, that she was still there and to erase the image of her, laying on the dusty ground of the Afghan desert, bleeding to death from her mortal wounds. Shudders shook his body at the thought of what had almost happened to her, of the fact that he had almost lost her before he even knew that he loved her. Realizing that you love someone only after looking into their face, calm and cold in death, is probably one of the most heart-wrenching things possible, for you know you were too late to act on that love, too late to let them know how you feel, too late to experience the bliss of experiencing love and happiness with them. Too late, and only having regrets to live with for the rest of your life.

Jen wrapped her arms around him, comforting him as she felt his body shake and an occasional sob break through in his chest. She knew how he felt.

She felt the same way those countless times that he'd almost died. But, to make matters worse for her, she was alone then and had to get through her grief by herself. She sought the solitude of her shower many times on the Seahawk, when she'd find out that he could've been exposed to lethal radiation, later when he lead the dirty nuke away from the carrier battlegroup, when she'd found out of his own experience with a mine and later with bombardement,... She closed herself into the shower and cried there so no-one could hear her, because the speculation for why a Petty Officer was crying over what had ALMOST happened to an officer could've destroyed both of their careers. She didn't want to be responsible for destroying his promising career just because she had fallen in love with him when she first got to know him, the real him, during that Christmas so long ago; and she didn't want to disappoint him by ruining her own career after he had placed so much trust and belief in her.

So, she continued to cry by herself, because no-one, except him, could comfort her and no-one could be trusted with her guilty secret. The fact that she had fallen desperately and incurably in love with CDR Harmon Rabb Jr..

Yet this time was different. This time they cried together, and they comforted each other, as they thought back to all the times they'd almost lost each other.

Jen was overwhelmed with love and happiness with this simple statement of trust from the man who meant so much to her. Not only had he let her see him cry, which had happened only once with only one other person before, but he had even let and sought her to comfort him.

And Jen knew that whatever lay ahead of them, they would be facing it as they were facing it now.

Together.

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AN: I know I'm repeating myself in fics by having Jen resign, but it's not out of any chauvinistic or Harm-preferring reasons. I firmly believe that the reasons Jen had stated are very good ones and are also in real life some of the main reasons why female members of the military decide to resign when they get married and/or decide to settle down and have a family.

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	6. Chapter 6

**AN: **I'm truly sorry about the lack of updates guys, but College is EXTREMELY busy. Had 3 research papers to turn in this week, 1 down, 2 to go. Have tons of books to work through for them and really can't spare much time to fics. I hope you can forgive me, but college must come first. Posting this short one, a longer one follows tomorrow.

**Jeff:** can't wait to read them!

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When they'd finally regained their composure after their cathartic cry they were surprised to find themselves sitting on Harm's couch.

They still had their arms around each other and were content to stay that way.

The comfortable silence was minutes later broken by Jen's soft voice. "So, you see why I have to do this."

"Yeah." answered Harm quietly. "But why are you sure that I am safe?" he continued, hoping that his question wouldn't destroy the comfortable atmosphere, but needing to know nonetheless.

"Haaarm..." Jen rolled her eyes in exasperation. Sometimes the man seriously lacked confidence and she knew just who was responsible for his issues and non-existent ego, promising to herself to pay that person back if she ever got the chance. "You know you'll be getting promoted when you're 20 is up. They don't send Captains, who are in command of bases, off to warzones. Especially not a Captain with your experience, education, training and value to the Navy. You should really stop with this self-doubt and low self-esteem and it'll be one of my first jobs as your wife to cure you of it."

Harm had nothing to say to that. He knew she was right, about all of it. He was also seriously wondering whether he was whipped already for believing she was right without even thinking about it himself.

Then he shrugged. She was the JAG's Yeoman and thus she knew more about the inner workings of the military, it's large bureaucracy and about impending promotions, transfers,... than he ever would. When it came to that topic, her word was as good as gold.

"Okay." he said simply and Jen snickered. He sounded SO whipped and, while that would be great to any other fiancee or wife, she wanted Harm the way he was, confident, self-assured, friendly, always ready to help, caring, initiative,... and not servile or submissive.

Then Harm thought of something and let go of Jen, striding towards his bedroom determinedly.

Jen just looked after him, eyes wide at his sudden actions, completely baffled. Even a little hurt tried to come to life at his seeming rejection, but she knew better. He looked like a man on a mission and not like he would be rejecting her. "Where are you going?"

He sent a grin at her over his shoulder. "Just getting your christmas present, honey."

He savoured the endearment like a fine wine and thus didn't see Jen shudder with pleasure at it.

"Honey." she whispered to herself and smiled, only now realizing that they were finally free to express their love for each other.

He soon came back with a box, wrapped in a gift paper, in his hands.

"But, Harm, it's not Christmas yet!" she exclaimed.

Harm froze in his tracks and his eyes widened. "Damn, that's right. I got completely caught up because of that letter. Then it's better that I save this until it is Christmas." he turned on his heels and went back to his bedroom.

Jen just shook her head fondly at him and started laughing at his slip-up. He could be so adorable at times.

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	7. Chapter 7

**AN: **College has set off to a mentally-exhausting pace, which is why posts have been scarce.

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He came back and she again noticed a small, velvet box in his hand. "Harm." she drawled, motioning towards the small box.

He smiled at her. "That's not the present. Just something that I thought you'd need."

With that he sank to his knee and opened the box for her to see the diamond ring inside. Jen gasped at the beautiful ring and extended a shaking hand, tears falling. He took her left hand in his and slowly pushed the ring on her ring finger with his right hand. Then he kissed her hand, her ring and finally her lips.

"I love you and you made me happy beyond reason by agreeing to become my wife."

A sob tore out of Jen's chest and she launched herself at him, taking his lips with desperate urgency.

It was the first time he had said the words out loud.

Even though she knew how he felt, from his actions and certainly from his letter, the emotions his declaration evoked overwhelmed her. She let his lips go only to mutter "I love you too" and then claimed them again passionately.

Stopping before they would be making their way into his bedroom to make love was the hardest thing they'd done in their lives, but knew it had to be done. They were still bound by regs and making love was definitely forbidden.

They wound up on Harm's couch again, this time with Jen on her back and Harm on top of her, both panting heavily and gazing into each other's eyes, pupils dilated so much that their eyes looked almost black.

"We have to stop." Harm whispered, still gazing intently into her eyes.

"I know." she whispered back just as softly.

"We'll definitely resume on our wedding night. We just have to wait until then."

A goofy smile spread on her lips as she repeated. "Our wedding night." and quickly took his lips again.

They untangled themselves from each other slowly and sat up, being careful not to look into the other's eyes, lest they start ripping their clothes off.

"So, what do we do now?" she said, once she'd gathered her composure.

"We wait until your enlistment is up and then get married and start our life together."

They looked at each other and said in unison: "It's gonna be hell.", referring to the waiting period, and laughed.

Jen stood up, dusted off her clothes and quickly pecked Harm on the lips. "See you later, Baby."

Then she shashayed out of his apartment, swaying her hips seductively.

Harm stared after her, taking in her breathtaking figure and tried to swallow, discovering his throat was completely dry. "Oh yeah, it's definitely gonna be hell."

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Jen closed her apartment door after her and leaned back against it. She touched her lips, still burning from Harm's kisses and a smile of complete happiness graced her beautiful face.

The coming weeks would be hard, but the reward would most definitely be well worth it.

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	8. Chapter 8

The next day Harm and Jen came into work, sliding back into their roles of co-workers-only with amazing ease.

The only hint to something more was when Jen brought some files for Harm into his office and Harm subconsciously glanced at her finger.

The finger where he'd placed his ring the day before.

Even though he knew it would've been too dangerous for her to wear it, he was still disappointed to see it missing.

Most of the staff that were their closer friends knew that she wasn't seeing anyone and that Harm was the only man she saw regularly off-duty. The dots would be easily connected and the right conclusion would be drawn immediately.

Harm knew Sturgis and knew that, even though they'd been friends since the Academy, Sturgis wouldn't hesitate and would immediately report him and Jen. The man had such a big yardarm stuck up his ass that Harm wondered how he could even bend enough to tie his shoes.

Harriet and Bud would probably not say anything, being the souls of discretion. Well, there was the danger of Bud making one of his blunders and letting it slip; but Harm was sure that Harriet wouldn't rat on them.

And Mac... Harm wasn't sure what Mac would do. If she followed her MO then he and Jen would be in a world of trouble, for Mac was famous for her hasty and vindictive actions when she thought someone, namely Harm, had rejected her or when her pride had been damaged.

Sydney and her engagement to the man he'd hated was a case in point.

She also had no problem prosecuting people for fraternization, even though she'd done it herself. She hated mistakes in other people, but was completely blind to her own. Not to mention shifting responsibility and blame from herself to others.

Harm had quietly realized long ago that Mac was pretty much a hypocrit, but had decided never to bring it up in favour of remaining friends.

Well, that was no longer an obstacle since he and Mac were barely co-workers anymore, much less friends. Her affair with Webb and her behaviour over the last year and a half, her actions and words, had pretty much destroyed everything that was left between them.

Harm was not an angel, over the years he had said some ugly things to Mac, all of which he immediately deeply regretted and also ALWAYS immediately apologized for, something which Mac had NEVER done because she believed in never apologizing for the things she'd said and done, even if she knew they were wrong (she'd once told him: "Never apologize, it's a sign of weakness."); but since his trial for Loren's murder he had been the better of them and had held himself in check. Mac wasn't that mature and kept sending barbs, snide remarks and taunts towards him, many times rubbing her relationship with Webb in his face; and trying to bait him. Like the time on USS Wake Island when she accused him of trying to push her into Webb's arms. Harm snorted at the mind games this woman always played, never committing and leaving all of her options open. Had she been committed to Webb, as he obviously was to her from what Harm could glean from her, then Harm couldn't even be capable of pushing her into Webb's arms, cause she would've been there already.

'No.' Harm decided 'It's better she never finds out, because not only would she report us, she would probably also beg the General to be the one to prosecute. Jen and I will just have to be careful to keep our marriage secret from Mac until we are out of DC.'

His 20 was up in April, 3 months after Jen's enlistment, and he and Jen would be gone from DC in any case. If he was to receive a promotion that would also mean a command of his own and a transfer. No command position would be opening during 2005 in or around DC, which meant they would have to move further away. And if he wouldn't be promoted, then he would be forced to retire and if that happened, he was seriously thinking of asking Jen what she thought about living in La Jolla, or perhaps Florida. Even if he was promoted, the possibility of retiring and settling somewhere warm, setting up his own practice, was very strong. It would definitely have to be somewhere warm, he was a Californian and he missed the heat and the sun. Besides, there were other perks...

He would love to see Jen wear a tiny black bikini.

Or one with vibrant colors, perhaps a silver or a bright yellow one, so it would contrast against her beautiful bronzed skin...

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End file.
